Huff Fandom: Expanded Universe

…and soon the whole world will witness “the power of my fully armed and operational battle station”:http://alex.golub.name/pics/cover-web-02.jpg

Well I think it’s just about time that this Andrew Huff and the Pool of Lost Souls thing was brought to a conclusion, eh? In honor of Valentine’s day I’m planning to set aside some serious time over the weekend and bringing it to its final, shocking suprise end. Then, starting on Monday, I’ll issue one small section (~500 words) a day until the staggering conclusion on, well, whatever day it’ll end on. Looks like it might take a week. I’m not sure.

Then I can move on to the next one. I’m thinking that splurting 3,000-5,000 word chunks of story once every fortnight is not actually that conducive to reading. So for the Scandanavian-themed story which is next (more sex. fire and ice.) I’m thinking of shorter, although more frequent, postings instead. This is also a lot easier when you’re in the midst of midway-through-your-dissertation throes. What say ye?

I find this entire phenomenon of people enjoying what I write both gratifying and unlikely. Thanks for reading, everyone.

Hl4vot: Hey Rex.

Rex: d00d! Hlav what’s up? Long time no see! :))

Rex: r u on earth?

Hl4vot: no, still on mars.

Rex: whoah. No lag on the line.

Hl4vot: ;)

Rex: shit – you guys got that portal working?

Hl4vot: yeah – pretty cool eh. All the earth content we want, none of the nasty time delays.

Rex: heh

Hl4vot: it was really screwing up our Tivos.

Rex: I remember u bitching about catching the season finale of 24 for like, weeks.

Hl4vot: your puny earthling culture doesn’t have a whole lot to offer except decent cable shows and the poetry of Philip Whalen.

Rex: so u keep telling me.

Rex: can you guys do physical /objects/ yet?

Hl4vot: no – its still very experimental. Hard to stabilize. mostly just spectrum so far.

Rex: spectrum – how’d u get an ip?

Hl4vot: we made sure the dimension portal came out somewhere where you’d guys’d have wireless access.

Rex: YOU’RE TALKING TO ME FROM MARS OVER AN 802.11b CONNECTION?

Hl4vot: :) that’s not the half of it. The portals opens out into the basement of a Starbucks on your earthling Long Island. I believe the community is called “Port Jefferson”.

Rex: YOU’RE TALKING TO ME FROM MARS OVER AN 802.11b CONNECTION YOU PIRATED FROM A STARBUCKS IN LONG ISLAND?

Rex: That is about the coolest fucking thing I ever heard.

Rex: Your likethe super cool martian wardriving experimental scientist.

Hl4vot: yes. No way they’re not going to renew my grant now.

Rex: funny, sometimes I miss Mars, sometimes I don’t.

Hl4vot: Well you know we’d love to have you back here in the lab. I’m sure we could even get you an adjuncting position at UOM teaching exoanthropology. It’d be a cultural thing.

Rex: no thanks, whole thing kinda leaves a bad taste in my mouth. u know how when u break up with someone you gets some of the friends, and she gets some of the friends?

Rex: even more true with planets. Especially Eradze.

Rex: She /is/ the poet laureate after all, right :-/

Hl4vot: well the offer still stands :)

Rex: Hey i saw you guys finally got tired of playing around with the spirit rover.

Hl4vot: yeah.

Rex: …?

Hl4vot: oh we got tired of paying the security guards overtime to stay up all night making sure the thing didn’t try to roll out of the sound stage we set it up in.

Hl4vot: also, I think your instruments are gettig more sensitive. Did you hear any press about the data they gathered?

Rex: Yeah. There dust on the surface was hard or something.

Hl4vot: yeah. They figured out it was mostly paper mache. so we thought “this isgetting boring”.

Rex: heh. u know the president wants to go to mars.

Hl4vot: well we’d be willing to take him – my understanding is you guys would love to get rid of him.

Rex: :) not exactly like that.

Hl4vot: We could put him to work as a zdagoc.

Rex: lol or making trojhax in olympus mons.

Hl4vot: right – “hand me anothre hloyut please!”

Rex: “pass me a jhicaut.” !!

Hl4vot: roflmao.

Hl4vot: i don’t get you earthlings. Most of yor species die early of preventable illness, but you’re trying to come over here?

Rex: Hey man, I’m one of the good guys. Trying to keep things real over here.

Hl4vot: Yeah. Thank god for the jedi. If it weren’t for you guys they’d do something REALLY stupid like electing that insane senator from missouri to run the justice department – what’s his name? Ashcroft?

Rex: uh… well. And btw Hlav, judges are elected, the head of the justice department is appointed by our president.

Hl4vot: wierd system you have over there. anyway, gotta close the portal – the machinery runs quie hot. I’ll let you know when we’ve got physical objexcts thru.

Rex: God the first object to be beamed through a dimensional portal is going to be an extra double tall skinny half caf latte. that’s depressing.

Hl4vot: Please rex – even on Mars we know Starbucks is the devil. gotta go. cu

Rex: l8ter.

My submission for allguiness.com’s Guestwriter Contest v.RX7 (Wankle) is now up on his site.

I’m not sure, but I think these people may exist:

Ambi Masterson, the Magnificent Jedi Sighthound
Rex Masterson’s dog. A Cirneco dell’Etna with keen intelligence and a colorful dog coat for cold weather, Ambi is featured extensively in the “Go Ambi Go!” line of picture books popular with first through third graders at the Jedi Academy. Kindly, brave, and capable of levitation, Ambi is known for rescuing cats from trees rather than chasing them up them.

Ariki and the Big Kahuna
They’re the kine: the most successful private detective team this side of Oahu in a 70s cop show kinda way. Ariki – the lineal descendent of Kamehameha on one side and one of Virginia’s first families on the other – is the face man whose bronzed skin, tight bod, winning smile, and silk aloha shirt could charm the pants off of any suspect – and often does. The jovial Big Kahuna is both from a priestly family and well over three hundred pounds. But don’t be fooled by his teddy-bear manner – he’s the ace investigator who uses his finely honed skills to ferret out the most obscure of clues. When they’re not solving crimes they’re playing the ukelele or eating loco-moco.

Malificencia
Commander Plaza’s arch-rival. I’m not too sure about the details yet, but I’m pretty sure there’s some sort of soviet slash russian orthodox theme. One thing I do know: her evil assistant’s name is Thurcifer. Alternate Latina dia de los muertos theme.

The Diamond Dealer
A seven foot tall, 150 pound immortal Hasidic Jew. The governments of the world are as perplexed as he is tight lipped. Is that smudge of black and white in the Zapruder film the Diamond Dealer? Are the sightings of him in the Sunni triangle accurate? How decisive was his role in the battle of Antietam? What could possibly be in the briefcase handcuffed to his wrist? Tightlipped to the point of total silence, the Diamond Dealer is an enigmatic and spooky source of justice in the world.

Cumin
Cinnamon’s happy-go-lucky twin sister, Cumin is a cross between Audrey Hepburn and Buffy Summers. In trouble before she knows it and out of it before she’s noticed, only her sandy blonde hair and liquid mercury laugh distinguishes her from her more serious sister.

Wayland Belhaven
Like most elf-folk, Wayland finds himself a little bit out of place in the contemporary age. He’s tried to quick smoking for the past 300 years, but when you’re immortal it’s kinds of like: why bother? He spends too much time slumming – mostly in the underdark. He tends to fall for chicks who are bad for him – Drow who are into the kind of kinky spider sex that seems like a good idea at the time but that he regrets the next morning when he sobers up. Last month he even woke up next to an illithid. Yuck. One of the finest – indeed only – mithril workers on the planet, Wayland is by trade a sort of cross between Q and Hattori Hanzo. He bounces from commission to commission, producing stillettos for the Bene Jesserit one week and high-precision optics for the biotech industry the next. Which is a good thing: his taste for expensive hooch, Brooks Brother suits, and long dinners at French Laundry means he needs a steady cash income. Most of his steady work comes from Commander Plaza, since Wayland is the only person on the planet capable of repairing Space Marine equipment. He also does occasional work for the Jedi Council, usually working with Rex Masterson, since he’s the only Jedi Wayland can stand. And given the fact that Wayland learned English by reading Raymond Chandler novels, he’s liable to give voice to his dislike of goody-two shoes Jedi like Mace Windu in blunt (if idiomatic) terms.

Harris the Space Jew
From the late period, when space travel between Earth and Mars is commonplace and Anne Kawharu maintains peace in the cosmos as head of the Jedi Council. A sort of hip, jewish, futuristic version of Mr. Magoo, Harris alternates between piloting spaceships at speeds unheard of with being unable to find his glasses. Sanguine of termpement, Harris is gently unflappable and enjoys nothing more in life than a nice plate of flan.

Borealia Walker
Also late period. Borealia (who goes by her nickname ‘Alie’) is a Scando-Antipodean with the strange mutant ability to control the weather. With her Norwegian-blonde tresses and spunky Australian accent, Alie frequently gets into trouble with Willem and Sara in their numerous adventures as padwan. About the only thing that can draw her into sullen petulance is chastisement from her mother – the chair of Media Studies at Oxford and fellow of All Souls college – who is constantly insisting that she ‘turn that frown upside down’ and ‘practice making it rain less’.

Sarah: I just don’t know

Willem: Aw, come on.

Sarah: I feel it would be deeply dishonest – like I’d be living a lie.

Willem: How can you say that when the genius of this plan lies in its stunning sincerity?

Sarah: Well…

Willem: Look, it’s easy: You go to the door. You knock on the door. They give you candy. You walk away.

Sarah: It’s just…

Willem: All I’m saying is this: snack-sized Butter Fingers. Dozens and dozens of them.

Sarah: [sighs] ok, let’s do it.

[sound of walking. a door bell]

Willem and Sarah: Trick or treat!

Kindly old woman: Happy Halloween, children! [sound of candy stuffed in bags] And who are you dressed up as?

Willem: [grand, impressario like] We’re brave Jedi warriors!

Kindly old woman: My, your costumes are wonderful. Did your mother make them for you?

Sarah: No, we saved up our allowance and bought them at the BX.

Willem: [polite cough]

Sarah: I mean yes. Our mother made it.

Willem: Have a lovely evening, ma’am.

[sound of hurried walking]

Willem: ‘Bought them at the BX’?

Sarah: You said to be honest.

Willem: I said that the genius of this plan lies in its stunning sincerity. I didn’t ask you to launch into a monologue on logistics at the academy.

Sarah: [despondent] I’d feel better if I had some sort of costume – even just a little pumpkin mask or something. This is just so… cheaterly.

Willem: Just stay candy-focused. Let’s try this again.

[footsteps on a porch. Doorbell]

Willem and Sarah: Trick or treat!

Nazarin Hamid: Well what have we here? Two hungry little Luke Skywalkers! I think I’ve got some candy for you somewhere.

Willem: [dismissive sort] Right. Luke Skywalker. Please.

Nazarin Hamid: Excuse me?

Willem: What a bushleaguer. That guy got his HAND cut off.

Sarah: [concurring] Amateur.

Willem: [goofy, big-bird sounding voice] ‘look at me! I’m Luke Skywalker! I’m on my speeder bike!’

Sarah: [lispy little girl voice] ‘I’m Kyle Katarn! I’m ambivalent about my force powers!’

Willem: [wookie impressions]

[Sarah and Willem giggle uncontrollably]

Nazarin Hamid: Wow, you guys must be really big Starwars Fans.

Willem: [recovering] uh, right… big Star Wars fans. That’s right. We’re big fans. Fans.

Sarah: [helpfully] Our mothers made the costumes for us.

Nazarin Hamid: Yeah, they look really real. Your lightsaber even looks like it’s real metal. Can I see?

Sarah: [suddenly stiff] No. Absolutely not.

Nazarin Hamid: Come again?

Sarah: Against regulations. Sorry. You’ll put an eye out.

Willem: Uh… what she means to say is, uh… we’ve got to go…

[sound of running footsteps]

Willem: [incredulously] ‘you’ll put an eye out’?

Sarah: Hey you’re the one who started making fun of Luke Skywalker.

Willem: But that guy got his HAND cut off. When I grow up to be a Jedi I’m going to be just like Rex Masterson. Luke Skywalker is, like, my ANTI-roll model.

Sarah: All I’m saying is that I wasn’t the only one to… jiminy! Do you feel that?

Willem: [suddenly still] Yeah – Jedi. A half dozen. It must be a whole squad. Jeez, what could be happening that we’d need to get that many people together?

Sarah: Anne is with them.

Willem: Yes. Could the Academy be under attack?

Sarah: Willem, I’m scared.

Willem: Don’t worry Sarah, Anne will know what to do. They should be rounding the corner at any -

Anne: Willem? Sarah? What are you doing here?

Sarah: Oh.

Willem: Er.

Anne: [sternly] Yes?

Willem: Uh… we were just about to ask you the same question.

Anne: I’M taking the second-graders out trick-or-treating like I do every year. YOU TWO are supposed to be back at the academy doing your homework.

Sarah: [deer-in-headlights] It was his idea I swear I never really wanted to I told him we shouldn’t but he wouldn’t listen to me and so I just -

Anne: And what was that idea, exactly?

Willem: Uh… we were sorta out trick-or-treating, sorta.

Anne: [perplexed] But you don’t have any costumes on.

Willem: Well, the genius of the plan lay in its stunning sin – OW! That’s my EAR!

Anne: I’m well aware of that young man. And any more lip from you and it’s going to be my actual fingers pinching you and not just The Force.

Willem: OW! Stop it! STOP IT! I’m sorry! I didn’t mean to! I’m sorry!

Anne: You two will return the academy NOW and finish your homework. Then tomorrow you are going to get up, do your exercises, and then sweep out the ENTIRE second floor of the Great Library.

Sarah: [whining] But Ms. Kawharu….

Anne: And as for you, young lady – you should know better than to go along with Willem’s hare-brained schemes.

Sarah: [sullen] I’m sorry.

Anne: [more gently] I know you are. Now go home, eat your candy, finish your home work, and get ready for a lot of sweeping tommorow.

[sound of footsteps]

Sarah: Some plan you big dummy.

Willem: At least she let us keep the candy.

(Just for instance, here’s the Kathy/Rex thing)

I was so busy backing the Force Adept into a corner that I didn’t even notice the Dark Jedi had thrown his light saber at me – let alone realize its trajectory traced a broad loop and that it was now heading directly at the back of my neck. Luckily, even the most sneakily thrown of lightsabers is no match for ears honed for balance and blend by years of choral singing. I turned a backward somersault over the blade, and then leaped sideways, trying to get both of them in front of me. Trust me, the two-on-one sucks, but it sucks especial hard when you’ve got one guy on either side of you.

The adept was to my left, pushing and pulling me with the force to keep me off balance while his friend came in with a series of strong swipes. A couple of times he tried the classic choke-and-lift so his buddy could get a clean slice in, but there was no way I was going to fall for the oldest trick in the book.

I had just ducked behind a pillar and was getting ready to come out swinging when the mobile phone on my hip began beeping. Just then the force adept drenched my hidey-hole with evil blue force lightning while his friend came in over the top. I rolled low and turned away into the main corridoor of the ancient Jedi grave where we battled. My mobile phone was still beeping. I ran back towards the main hall in order to buy enough time to check my caller id.

Shit – my girlfriend. I had to take it.

Regretfully, I hit the ‘pause’ button on my Xbox.

“Hey hon,” said Kathy’s voice, “how’s tricks.”

“Just fine,” I said idly, “perfecting my double bladed light saber technique.”

“Double bladed lightsaber?” she said, with more than a little hint of fed-upness in her voice, “Rex, you are a Jedi. I don’t even understand why you play Jedi Academy – you’ve actually got a lightsaber for chrissakes!”

“Are you kidding me,” I replied, cradling the phone between my elbow and neck and walking into the kitchen to make another martini, “Yoda and Nelson Rockefeller both have five bucks that say I’ll be able to take Chen in multiplayer mode at the LAN party in the council chambers next month. I can’t let them down – and you know how much time Chen spends on line.”

Like most mobile phones, mine got shitty reception. But I could still tell that the static on the other end of the line was Kathy sighing in expaserated resignation and not the signal fading out.

“Well if I may interrupt you, your Jediness, there’s something I thought you ought to know about.”

“But of course dearest,” I said sweetly, trying desperately not to piss off the lady with the crowbar, “what is it…?”

Well y’all haven’t seen it, but I’ve written the end of AHATPOLS and now just have to fill in the intervening episodes (which are in the pipe). As a result, my imagination is moving on. But in which direction? I’m strongly inclined to do 1, 6, 2, 7, and 8 (in about that order). How about you? Vote in the comments for the one you’d like to see, since I’m kinda torn:

1) Rex/Kathy pair up to fight evil: kinda like Hart to Hart, but with more lightsabers and salsa dancing and without Lionel Stander. They have an apartment, dog, and eat out at Lula’s a lot. Cute. Thinly veiled.

2) Rex coming of age story: a young Rex is saved from a life of alcoholic slumming in salsa bars by Nelson Rockefeller and trained in the ways of the force in the central highlands of Papua New Guinea. Special guest appearences by Jedi Knight Michel Foucault and possibly Satan. Pythons.

3) Jasper mystery type thing: Jasper teams up with a coked-up Jimmy Page-lookin’ Sherlock holmes to solve crimes. Ironic rerun of ‘sign of the four’ with more attention paid to the Andaman Islanders and not very much movement on Jasper’s part. Dolphin ravers with glo sticks in their blowholes.

4) Young Anne solo: NOLF type assignment where Anne and Hans-Georg Gadamer travel to Mars to learn the true story of Basque cultural history. Guest appearence by Cinnamon. Klingons.

5) Liorah Horowitz/AKMA mashup: Mayan Sysadmin teams up with Episcopal priest to defeat ancient vampires. Backstory narrated as a series of flashbacks with biblical stories told from point of view of Mayan Spaceadmins trying to keep the Pillar of Smoke and the Pillar of Fire processes from crashing during exodus. Vampires ghostwrite song of solomon. Cameo by Rabbi Akiva.

6) Leuschke.org in the Land of the Lost: Leuschke and Chen accidentally travel back the Land of the Lost. Have to learn to coexist despite different temperments. Ride dinosaurs, meet Will and Holly, fight Sleestaks who have read Lionel Trilling. Team up with good-aligned ‘beatnik’ Sleestacks who take bennies, fight evil, and don’t actually understand Buddhism. Chaka is actually Tennyson.

7) Cinnamon Huff And The Adventure Of The Ottoman Empire: Cinnamon and Andrew travel back in time with The Beatles and join forces with the Baal Shem Tov to keep the Parthenon from getting blown up by the evil Turkish cavalry officer Nazarin Hamid. Lord Elgin is a vampire. Bene Jesserit tie in: Beatles take melange and write ‘within you without you’. Guest appearences by Leuschke.org and Phil Spector.

8) Anne w/Padwan: Anne grapples with adulthood as she and her first Padwan, Willem Lessig, go on their first assignment to the Sunni Triangle. The ethics of international intervention are mooted and Willem learns a lesson about love as he and a Bene Jesserit apprentice flirt with giving up their careers for love. Special guest appearance from Natalie Portman. She uses two lightsabers with a fast attack style and level three force grip.