More Profiles

by Alex

I’m not sure, but I think these people may exist:

Ambi Masterson, the Magnificent Jedi Sighthound
Rex Masterson’s dog. A Cirneco dell’Etna with keen intelligence and a colorful dog coat for cold weather, Ambi is featured extensively in the “Go Ambi Go!” line of picture books popular with first through third graders at the Jedi Academy. Kindly, brave, and capable of levitation, Ambi is known for rescuing cats from trees rather than chasing them up them.

Ariki and the Big Kahuna
They’re the kine: the most successful private detective team this side of Oahu in a 70s cop show kinda way. Ariki – the lineal descendent of Kamehameha on one side and one of Virginia’s first families on the other – is the face man whose bronzed skin, tight bod, winning smile, and silk aloha shirt could charm the pants off of any suspect – and often does. The jovial Big Kahuna is both from a priestly family and well over three hundred pounds. But don’t be fooled by his teddy-bear manner – he’s the ace investigator who uses his finely honed skills to ferret out the most obscure of clues. When they’re not solving crimes they’re playing the ukelele or eating loco-moco.

Malificencia
Commander Plaza’s arch-rival. I’m not too sure about the details yet, but I’m pretty sure there’s some sort of soviet slash russian orthodox theme. One thing I do know: her evil assistant’s name is Thurcifer. Alternate Latina dia de los muertos theme.

The Diamond Dealer
A seven foot tall, 150 pound immortal Hasidic Jew. The governments of the world are as perplexed as he is tight lipped. Is that smudge of black and white in the Zapruder film the Diamond Dealer? Are the sightings of him in the Sunni triangle accurate? How decisive was his role in the battle of Antietam? What could possibly be in the briefcase handcuffed to his wrist? Tightlipped to the point of total silence, the Diamond Dealer is an enigmatic and spooky source of justice in the world.

Cumin
Cinnamon’s happy-go-lucky twin sister, Cumin is a cross between Audrey Hepburn and Buffy Summers. In trouble before she knows it and out of it before she’s noticed, only her sandy blonde hair and liquid mercury laugh distinguishes her from her more serious sister.

Wayland Belhaven
Like most elf-folk, Wayland finds himself a little bit out of place in the contemporary age. He’s tried to quick smoking for the past 300 years, but when you’re immortal it’s kinds of like: why bother? He spends too much time slumming – mostly in the underdark. He tends to fall for chicks who are bad for him – Drow who are into the kind of kinky spider sex that seems like a good idea at the time but that he regrets the next morning when he sobers up. Last month he even woke up next to an illithid. Yuck. One of the finest – indeed only – mithril workers on the planet, Wayland is by trade a sort of cross between Q and Hattori Hanzo. He bounces from commission to commission, producing stillettos for the Bene Jesserit one week and high-precision optics for the biotech industry the next. Which is a good thing: his taste for expensive hooch, Brooks Brother suits, and long dinners at French Laundry means he needs a steady cash income. Most of his steady work comes from Commander Plaza, since Wayland is the only person on the planet capable of repairing Space Marine equipment. He also does occasional work for the Jedi Council, usually working with Rex Masterson, since he’s the only Jedi Wayland can stand. And given the fact that Wayland learned English by reading Raymond Chandler novels, he’s liable to give voice to his dislike of goody-two shoes Jedi like Mace Windu in blunt (if idiomatic) terms.

Harris the Space Jew
From the late period, when space travel between Earth and Mars is commonplace and Anne Kawharu maintains peace in the cosmos as head of the Jedi Council. A sort of hip, jewish, futuristic version of Mr. Magoo, Harris alternates between piloting spaceships at speeds unheard of with being unable to find his glasses. Sanguine of termpement, Harris is gently unflappable and enjoys nothing more in life than a nice plate of flan.

Borealia Walker
Also late period. Borealia (who goes by her nickname ‘Alie’) is a Scando-Antipodean with the strange mutant ability to control the weather. With her Norwegian-blonde tresses and spunky Australian accent, Alie frequently gets into trouble with Willem and Sara in their numerous adventures as padwan. About the only thing that can draw her into sullen petulance is chastisement from her mother – the chair of Media Studies at Oxford and fellow of All Souls college – who is constantly insisting that she ‘turn that frown upside down’ and ‘practice making it rain less’.